Minimize THIS, Part 2: Red Dots of Shame

I am the “NO RED DOTS” kinda gal. I hate to see those pesky little things. When I look down at my phone and see a Red Dot of Shame, I instantly feel compelled to address it. I’m sure that says a lot about my personality, but for the purpose of minimizing, it was something that I knew I simply had to address as they represent clutter to me. A task undone or something that needs put behind me so I can relax.

So, I spent an hour or so cleaning up my phone. I deleted apps that I rarely or never use. I left unecessary group messages and Facebook groups. I even removed some people from my social media accounts (gasp!). It felt good to clear the virtual clutter. Probably the biggest source of the red dots that drives me nuts are the emails. I have three email accounts linked to my phone, and I truly do use all three of them. One gets maybe 2-3 emails a week (totally manageable). The other is for work, so those emails are necessary. The other account is my main “personal” account, and it is OUT OF CONTROL. Of course, it is the one I used to sign up for accounts to buy things or sign up for stuff or get on a mailing list. Basically, it is where marketing and promos come to die. It’s a black hole, and I’m constantly hitting delete, delete, delete.

I wonder how many of these emails are things I actually need? Which of them adds value to my day or life? Certainly not the multitudes of notifications about sales and discounts. The goal here is de-cluttering, right? Not buying more crap. Bottom line:  This inbox is a challenge.

Well, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. I decided to go one week without deleting the red dots in this particular inbox to see how many I received versus how many actually contained valuable info.

Challenge-Accepted

I made it one day. I just hate those dots so bad!

So in this first day of what was supposed to be a week of ignoring the Red Dots of Shame on my email, I had over 100 emails come in. Of those 100+ emails, ONE of them was worth my time in opening (it was from The Skimm, in case you’re curious).

The rest were notifications of notifications from Twitter and Facebook (who needs an email when you have the red dots staring you in the face on the app itself), sales from Zulily, Dick’s, Nordstrom, J.Crew, Gymboree, Pottery Barn, Oriental Trading, eBates, eBay, Shutterfly, Old Navy, Draper James (Dear Lord, I’m as basic as they come, aren’t I?)… and a couple other stupid things I have signed up for along the way in the hunt for retail therapy. I also get some political emails and such from “causes” or organizations wanting donations or support of some kind. I thought long and hard about getting rid of  those because I don’t just want to cease being involved, but these emails are not what makes me “give” to things that are important to me or wanting to be involved. I get these emails because I did make a donation or gave support in some shape or form at some point in time, and if I want to give or support them more in the future, I know where to find them. Therefore, they’re gone from the inbox.

Well… NO MORE! I saved these emails for another reason:  At the bottom of alllllll these emails is the option to Unsubscribe, which is what I will spend some time doing until my inbox is back under my control. I did the same for ads and groups on social media, getting rid of what isn’t contributing positively or adding distraction.

It is also worth noting that, sure, I could maybe try to change my thinking on the red dots. Maybe the emails/group messages/app notifications can wait and I don’t need to be so uptight about them. But that’s not my goal here. I am prioritizing, organizing, and minimizing. If it isn’t adding value to my life, then it is going away. I’m not going to change who I am or how I feel (can’t teach an old dog new tricks, amiright?), instead I am going to change the circumstances and conquer The Great Red Dot Reduction of 2018 with joy. I also know that you can disable notifications within apps, but that doesn’t help the amount of crap flowing into the app and therefore jumping into your face when you open said app or inbox. This is a reduction act, not a disabling act.

In my research and self-reflection for this piece, I came across an article about young folks/millennials who are using flip phones instead of smart phones. It’s a little bit about cost and durability, but it is also about their realization that life exists outside of their device. From a more “minimalistic” standpoint, that completely makes sense! (Remember…. I bought something with my FACE! Which means that the phone is quite often pointed at my face.) Much of this journey toward less means getting more out of life, and I don’t know that we can do that with a phone scanning our face all day long.

To be clear, and to avoid any accusations of hypocrisy or being preachy, I am not going to give up my phone, nor do I think that anyone should give up their phone. Like I have said before, I don’t think that I will ever be a true Minimalist in every sense of the word. This is more about the journey to realize what brings value to our lives, hence the removal of the DRD’s (Damn Red Dots), unnecessary apps, and people on social media who I wouldn’t say “hi” to if they passed me on the street.

That was my litmus test, by the way. As I went through Facebook for example, I asked myself,

“if this person were to pass you on the street, would you say hi?”

If the answer to that question was no, off they went. It’s a friends list, after all. Wouldn’t you say hi to a friend you passed? And would you want people who you don’t really feel comfortable saying “hi” to seeing pictures of you, your family, and things going on in your life? I’m a very social person; I always say hi (thanks for that life skill, Mom), so this was a pretty good test as I am not a shy person. More reserved folks might not find this a good way to weed out unnecessary floating heads on your page, but it sure worked like a charm for me!

Minimalism. It’s not just about tamping down the “stuff” in our houses or literal junk surrounding us. It’s about slowing down a little bit and realizing what is necessary and valuable to us in our lives. I, like many, feel as though I look at my phone too much. Part of that was because of those damn red dots. What an epiphany it was to realize that I have major control over these little phone pimples that draw me in and away from the real world.

Minimize THIS, Part 1: Important Papers & The Kitchen

We have plans to remodel many parts of our home. Yes, I realize this may sound counter-intuitive to my journey in minimizing, but hear me out.  Our home is where we spend much of our time. We bought this specific house because of its layout that we felt made it a place where our family could really maximize our time spent together. We also love to entertain (a more mature and professional way of saying we like to party I suppose) friends and family. It adds value to our lives. So, there are certain specific changes to our home that I do want to make because this is our “Forever Home” and we don’t have any plans to leave it. Therefore, we want it to be ours and exactly what we want and purchased it knowing there were changes we would be making.

It is actually the thought of remodeling that made me want to start sorting, organizing, and purging. Let’s take the kitchen, for example. If we want to renovate it, that is going to involve removing all the junk from within. SCARY! Wouldn’t it be nice if, come time to remodel, we only had the necessities in there that would require temporary relocation and then subsequent replacement back into the new space? Aha! See… It’s not about buying more stuff; this is about making our kitchen and family living space more functional and organizing it in such a way that makes the remodel process more efficient. Prioritize, minimize, organize! Plus, we all know what happens when you box up junk you don’t need or use:  It ends up staying in said box in the garage/attic/storage unit until Kingdom Come. I want to avoid that.

I digress.

Back to the “Important Papers.” Being an adult requires some semblance of having your s*** together, so a while back, we had purchased a fire-proof safe for our important documents such as birth and marriage certificates, deeds, passports when not in use, etc. It has been sitting in our family room for weeks and weeks. I think since Christmas to be exact, but who’s counting? (I am.)

file-cabinet1

I became overwhelmed as I sat in our family room (didn’t help that I surrounded by piles of laundry and watching that darn Joanna Gaines build a dream home) thinking about how in the heck I was even going to start getting this place into order. You know that saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”? The important papers were Bite #1. I went through the old file we used and sorted out old stuff that is now pointless, such as the papers on a car that I haven’t owned in five years, and filtered out the important documents, realizing that I am actually missing one of our social security cards! Yikes! I managed to get about eight “folders” of crap into two folders in the new box. It felt great, and I was instantly proud of what a responsible adult I am.

Then the kitchen knocked my ego down a peg or two.

I started with the infamous Junk Drawer. We all have one, right? Tell me you have one. I know you have one. It’s a drawer in your home (ours has always been in the kitchen) that you have to yank a few times before it actually opens because of all the eclectic items contained within that are blocking it from opening. Sometimes, you might actually be afraid to put your hand into it because nothing is off-limits in The Junk Drawer, and who knows what tetanus-inflicting sharp you might blindly encounter.  Full disclosure:  I found razor blades, lighters, crayons, glue, a Q-tip, $1.50 in change, five different kinds of tape, and allergy medicine in mine, just to name a few. In fact, go ahead and Google images of “junk drawer” and I guarantee you will see some images and think they sneaked into your house and took a picture of yours. All junk drawers were created equal, apparently.

junk drawer

Then that one drawer turned into the two next to it, then the cabinets above, and then a mini-meltdown later, my very sweet, supportive, patient, and tolerant husband was in on “the fun.” Off to the Dollar Store he went to (eeeeeek! Not buy more stuff, right?!? Well, yeah… read on) get some organizational supplies such as drawer organizers, gallon Zip-Lock bags, and large totes (which will be emptied by the end of all this minimizing and eventually ditched as well. After all, less stuff = no more totes).

Next thing you know, I realize that I own over 30 wine glasses, and that we have way more drinking vessels than a family of four should have. Hell, we have more drinking vessels than the Von Trapp family would need. Out they go! Tote #1 is filled, along with three very full trash bags of pure, undeniable JUNK.

So tell me, what’s in your junk drawer?

Now, go empty it.

Minimize THIS: Stuff = Stress

I bought something with my face. Yes, you read that right. I wanted to purchase something on my iPhone X, and all I had to do was look at the screen and POOF! Purchase confirmed. I have also purchased things with my thumbprint or a quick little password (which my devices all so very conveniently save for my own ease and comfort – how thoughtful!). It’s that easy.

It’s too easy. And now there is stuff everywhere and I’m drowning in it.

I’m the opposite of a procrastinator, more of a ruminator really – anything hanging over my head MUST get done before even a modicum of relaxation can flutter in. I dwell on things more than I should. I have also never been one who can relax in a mess or surrounded by clutter, so the combination of all our “stuff” (that’s putting it nicely) and the need I feel to sort and purge is becoming overwhelming to me lately. It’s not so much a need for “spring cleaning” as it is to feel like have regained control over my home and the things in it. I crave organization, and we are nearing max capacity.  We love to have fun and enjoy life, and often time that fun means acquiring the appropriate “stuff” with which to have specific said fun.  But in this life, especially with kids, we have accumulated SO MUCH STUFF that I almost cannot even stand it. It’s making this perpetual worrier even more uptight, and one weekend it came to a head…

jerry mcguire

Enter “Minimalism.” I have been reading a little bit about this concept lately and researching it just out of curiosity (and maybe a tad of desperation). I recently heard a story about a person who has one plate, one fork, one cup, etc, for each person in her family and that is it in the way of dishes. When you use your plate/cup/fork/whatever, you immediately wash it and put it away. I don’t know that I will ever achieve that level of minimal possessions, but I am very interested in the idea of filling our lives with things other than knick-knacks, plastic goodies, things we don’t really need, and plain old junk. I’m skeptical that I will ever pare down our belongings to the point that I can actually declare myself a true Minimalist, but I am sure as heck going to learn about this concept and take away things from it that I feel will benefit my family and the way we want to live on our little piece of this third rock from the sun. I want to feel like I can truly organize what we need versus just trying to find an unoccupied space for something. I want to evolve, explore, and experiment with maybe not buying that thing I want from Amazon just because I can buy it and think I need at that very second, only to have it soon forgotten and left to contribute to the mass of stuff. (Instant gratification, anyone?) I want to get real about the shame I sometimes feel about the massive collection of toys (for both adult and kids) that sometimes seem to have taken over our home. I am going to have the uncomfortable conversations with myself and my family about what it really means to feel fulfilled, and where that fulfillment comes from, and how we can start peeling back the layers to truly reveal our love-filled home. It’ll be a journey, for sure, and not something that will happen quickly at all. As I have heard from some friends of mine, “Experiences; not things.”

I’m thinking of this as “exfoliating” our house (and life), one section at a time. And I cannot wait to see the gunk that comes off her face!

So, I invite you to join me on this exploratory adventure to unburden ourselves from much of the truly unnecessary and excessive as we try to enrich our lives with the more meaningful. If anything, for entertainment value because I assure you, it will probably get ugly at times. At the same time, I’m also looking forward to the side effects of this and the things we learn as a family. I mean, there are obvious financial benefits to procuring “less,” and I am envisioning the yard sale to end all yard sales. It’s about a quality of life and living a lifestyle that is truly our “style,” not the one that we think we are supposed to have. It will truly be an adventure. There’s got to be a happy medium on the spectrum between drawers too full to close and tiny house dwellers. Please do not picture us living in our yard in tents with only a backpack to survive; that is not what this is about. I’ve never been one to rough it, but it’s gone too far.

TBH

PS – You should prepare yourself for Troop Beverly Hills references if you come along on this journey with me.

I had a small, but poignant, epiphany recently from our family vacation to Canada:  I cannot remember ever feeling so relaxed and my heart so full as I did during this entire vacation (not an easy task when trapped in a car for several hours with two young kids), and yet we did not come home with ONE. SINGLE. SOUVENIR. The thought of purchasing anything besides food, tickets to attractions, and cold drinks never really crossed my mind. We came home with two Christmas ornaments that our friends so graciously gifted to us to always remind us of this amazing trip and experience, but aside from that, nada. No stuffed animals (that would soon be forgotten), no shirts (that would fall to the back of the drawer causing a clothing clog), no tangible mementos of any kind. When I realized this had happen, I panicked at first. “Shouldn’t we have bought something for our parents?! What about something cute for the kids so they remember this trip? Oh my gosh we literally brought back nothing except dirty laundry!”

Ummmmm . . . we also brought back about gazillion lifetime memories with our kids and great friends, Holly. Geesh. Get a grip.

This is going to be one heck of a journey.

keep throw away

Honorary Aunt

When I was growing up, it was a “thing” for us to refer to certain special people in our lives as “Aunt” or “Uncle,” regardless of relation. I don’t know if this is a WV thing, a Smith-Family thing, or just our way of giving people titles of endearment, but I love it. I have several biological aunts and uncles, but I also have many, many other important people in my life who bear those titles.

One of these amazing “Aunts” in my life growing up – and still to this day – is my Aunt Carol. No, biologically not an aunt, but being my mom’s best friend and growing up with her kids and actually being taken care of by her own mother, my Grandma E (no, not my biological Grandma), she definitely earned the title.

Pause here for a moment to talk about my Grandma E. Holy moly the importance of that grammaEwoman in our lives and the love I have for her is still in my heart, though she is no longer with us. Grandma E was tasked with watching me, my little brother, and my Aunt Carol’s two kids while our parents worked as teachers during the day. Back in those days, in rural WV, there wasn’t a day care on every corner, and finding someone to watch kids often fell to family members. Grandma E did it with ease. (Side note, E = Eleanor; I love that name.) I could write a book about the adventures the four of us had with Grandma E, whom she called her “Four Mice.” The word ‘special’ cannot even begin to describe her, so I’ll stop there so I don’t cry.

Any time I get to see my Aunt Carol feels like, well, a big warm hug. She was a teacher like my mom, and an amazing one at that. They met as two young educators at a new elementary school, having both been recruited from out of town. My mom still remembers the day she met my Aunt Carol, and they have been best buds since, with neither time nor distance getting in their way.  She is a pioneer in her own way for attending college as a woman and then working while she raised kids…. Not too common then as it is now! She was raised by her parents and lived with her two siblings, who were much older than she is, and always knew she could count on her parents’ love.  Aunt Carol said she can sum up their parenting philosophy by a quote from John Wesley,

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can.”

Not a bad philosophy! I’m going to keep that handy…

College life was a memorable experience for my Aunt Carol as it exposed her for the first time in her life to very liberal and forward thinking views and ideas that were quite the opposite from her upbringing. She loved learning and reading, and even participated in a couple peaceful protests! (How cool were the 60’s?!?)  She chose teaching as her path, and eventually chose her specialty as Special Education. I actually remember from my elementary school days going into Aunt Carol’s special ed room. It was such a blessing for me to see kids who were different than I was and their learning environment; it was unique and special and filled with love, just like Aunt Carol!  She always kept a sign hanging in her room that said, “ALL CHILDREN CAN LEARN.” I remember when we were growing up, Grandma E would occasionally ask us kids what we wanted to be when we grew up. As with most kids, what we “wanted to be” certainly changed over the years, ranging from vet to banker to fortune teller to garbage man to doctor to teacher to lawyer (just to name a few), but regardless of what we said, Grandma E would tell us as long as we were happy, that’s all that mattered. (None of us turned out to be any of those listed, of course, but we eventually all found our way.) This philosophy was reinforced and passed down the generations, as Aunt Carol’s career advice to her kids growing up:

Be happy. Find an occupation that feeds your soul.

“Married… with Children”  Like my mom, she’s been married a looooooooong time (but how is that possible, Aunt Carol, when you are SO young?! Inside joke between me and Auntie C.) She has been married to my Uncle Carl for 40 years, and they have two awesome kids, a son and a daughter, close in age to my brother and me. My cousins are, like their parents, amazing adults with wonderful, loving spouses. Growing up, they enjoyed camping adventures (my family would tag along sometimes too!) and traveling.  Aunt Carol & Uncle Carl still love to travel, and now, Gumby goes with them! As you can see from the slideshow, Gumby gets around and is a pretty good time…

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Life Throws a Curve-ball  A few years back, my Uncle Carl was diagnosed with Behavior Variant Frontal Temporal Dementia (bvFTD), which is a type of dementia that causes major changes in social behavior and conduct, and poor impulse control. Basically, it turns a person into a version of his or herself that can anger quickly, act inappropriately in situations, and is apathetic to the feelings of those around them. Quite the test for any marriage, to have the person you have spent your life with change into someone you don’t recognize. aunt and uncleBecause of this diagnosis, my aunt and uncle packed up their 40+ years in the small town we grew up in and moved to Milwaukee, WI, to be closer to family and medical care. They went from a town of 800 and their large farmhouse in WV to a city of 600,000 and an urban condo! Her heart is still in WV where they will always have strong ties, but as my uncle’s symptoms worsened, the close proximity to my cousins and big-city medical care was a must. Making such a huge change at a point in life where people are usually strengthening roots is scary, but she followed Grandma E’s advice to “bloom where you are planted,” and she most certainly has! They even got rid of their car!! I cannot fathom it, but it piques my interest to think about just jumping on the bus at the corner and being dropped off wherever you need to go… no need for gas, parking, etc. I wish I could do that! #nocarpayment

Like me, Aunt Carol is an avid reader. We often exchange book ideas and talk about what we are reading. She has a friend with a book coming out soon called Is it Time to Freak Out Yet, and I can already tell from the title I will be adding it to my list! She loves to volunteer and work in her new community and has definitely “bloomed” there. She met a friend, Anita, whose husband suffers from the same bvFTD as my uncle, and knows this woman was placed in her life by God. On my aunt and uncle’s refrigerator is a bible verse.

1 Thessalonians 5:13:  In all things give thanks.

Gratitude   Days are hard, but life goes by fast. Along the way various obstacles and burdens and excitements and celebrations come your way, but the attitude with which you approach these things makes all the difference.  “Pick your battles,” Aunt Carol says. “Save your battles for the big things in life.”  Or maybe employ the “10-Second Rule” …

“Our family has employed the 10-Second Rule many times. When something dire/horrible happens, 10 seconds from now it will still be bad. 10 minutes from now, still bad. 10 hours, less so. Then 10 days… less. Days turn to 10 weeks, then 10 months, then 10 years…”

It’s all about attitude. When Aunt Carol met her friend Anita, she shared with Aunt Carol that, in her experience in dealing with a loved one with bvFTD, you just have to accept what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be. Time will continue to march on, but how we choose to face obstacles and all the things that life can throw at us will impact us and the people around us. We have choices in these situations, but we have to keep moving forward. Choose a perspective and attitude that will help you gather the strength in any situation, just like my Aunt Carol. Life is SO good. Have faith.

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National Lampoon’s Trip to Backyard Pizza & Raw Bar

Setting: Early on a Friday evening. Planning to leave later that night for a weekend getaway. Must pick up kids and feed them. (*sigh* Fed them yesterday, but whatever.) Decide on Backyard Pizza & Raw Bar as dinner locale. Princess agrees that this is a winner. Head to pick up Little Man.

5:03pm:  Arrive at day care to get Little Man. He is curiously wearing the shirt I sent him in, but not the same pants. Hmmmmm.  Today’s “Day Care Potty Training Pants of Shame” are Mickey Mouse Clubhouse pajama pants that are too small for him and therefore look like capris and come nowhere near matching his shirt. #pottytrainingsucks

5:10pm:  After wrangling both kids into my Pimp Mom Van, I become wary of my decision to attempt a meal out alone with the two of them, realizing I have forgotten any kind of pee-barrier for Little Man (translation: no extra pull-ups). Should these pants become soiled, we are royally screwed. They are literally the Last Frontier tonight.  Question this dinner decision out loud; Princess will hear none of it. We are GOING to Backyard. I then ask myself how the heck this power shift between me and 6-year old occurred. Promise self to download book on parenting that will go unread.

5:18pm: Score a great parking spot, albeit across a busy street. Threaten kids within inches of life to hold my hands as we cross. (I’m talking clenched teeth threats in Batman mom voice.)

5:20pm:  Text Grandparents to see if they would like to join us at “backyard.” SURE! Comes the reply. Yay! Reinforcements.

5:23pm: Realize as we are walking to our table that my children look kind of like disasters. One has pool hair and the other, well, he’s his own man. I think people might be staring. Hipster host makes comment about Little Man’s cool wardrobe choice. Oh well. No turning back now.

5:30pm:  Have booth in back and message Grandparents our exact location. Response from Grammy? Ohhhhh, they thought we meant we were eating dinner in our actual backyard. My mistake was not capitalizing the “B” in backyard. Teachers are such sticklers.

text convo.png

5:31pm:  Lied to my mother. It’s actually not funny. Crap. Realize I’m on my own. Promptly order (small) beer.

5:32pm:  Order chips and cheese for kids, but “not the spicy cheese.” Where did these divas come from? Cheese is cheese. Maybe I will read that parenting book after all. 🤔

5:33pm:  Look at our young, carefree waitress with a touch of envy as I try to connect to restaurant WiFi so kids can watch something on my phone. (Don’t judge. You know you do it too. And did you not see that text from my mom?! They’re NOT coming.)

5:37pm: Beer arrives, and not a minute too soon. Chips and cheese also arrive. Little Man immediately spills cheese down his shirt, but quickly remedies that by simply scraping it off with a chip and shoveling it into his mouth. “Waste not, want not” is his motto.

5:40pm: Little man has to pee. Oh joy. I leave Princess to man the table, again employing the Batman mom voice regarding strangers and leaving the table for any reason at all. I’m such a good mom. I don’t need that parenting book.

5:41pm:  In the restroom, solidly plop a little pale butt onto the toilet seat. Distracted by his oohing and aahing over the trees in the bathroom (they are pretty cool), I fail to notice that he is not, ahem, appropriately “aimed” and pee squirts all over the back of the aforementioned Day Care Potty Training Pants of Shame. Luckily, I think I catch it in time to avoid too much damage. Doesn’t matter anyways. He has no other options besides total bottom-half nakedness, which is frowned upon in public places, even hipster joints like Backyard.

5:46pm: Hands washed and back at table, I quickly realize that the pee damage is a little more extensive than I thought as a wet trail is left behind Little Man as he scoots across the booth. No worries, we have lots of napkins. After years of mothering (six = Expert Level), I now know to ask for extras of these absorbent miracles. I smoothly wipe it up and throw the napkin aside on the table. Totally zero need for parenting book.

5:47pm:  Princess lets me know that, in my absence, she summoned our lovely, young, carefree server over to the table. Why? Just to let her know we didn’t need anything. Note to self: I shall tip server well.

5:50pm: We have food, we have wifi, all is right in the world! Parenting book be damned.

5:55pm: Little Man spills more of something all over the place. Again, I shall tip well.

6:10pm:  We are wrapping up, and Little Man crawls over to me. I grab the napkin that I had tossed aside earlier and dabbed it in my water to wipe off his shirt a little better. He goes back over to his seat. I gulp down some water as my beautiful and angelic children sit quietly side by side as we wait for our bill, silently gloating and congratulating myself on a job well done. We are on the home stretch. Perhaps I shall write my own book on parenting; I’m that good. 👏🏼

6:11pm:  Like a bolt of lightning, it hits me that the same napkin I previously used to mop up pee with is the one that I just dabbed into my water to clean off my son’s shirt, and then I proceeded to gulp down that same water. So, I guess I ingested some pee. Great. #pottytrainingsucks

6:15pm:  Bill paid. Server well-gratuitized for her patience and the phantom pee on the bench, etc, etc.

6:18pm:  Batman mom voice as we cross the street again back to the van with bellies full, and I  make peace with the fact that I definitely drank some pee. Will definitely need that parenting book. Will skip right to chapter on potty training.

“You got this, Mom!”

Last weekend we made a family trip to the Columbus Zoo, on what will forever be known as one of the hottest zoo trips EVER. Adding to that fun, 3-year-old little man is potty training, so we made multiple pit stops in the various “continents.” (I know for sure he peed in North America, pooped in Africa, and did a little bit of both along the “Shores” region, among others.)

Potty training sucks. Taking young kids to the bathroom also sucks. Taking both of them at the same time in 90+ degree heat in a large stall in a public bathroom…. “Off the charts” on the Suck-O-Meter.

sucks

So there I was, sitting on the pot myself (moms pee too; who knew?!) and trying to wrangle both kids to just hold still for one friggin’ minute and do not touch the door latch while I did my business.

I ask for so little.

It’s almost like, in their brains, they heard me say “definitely unlock the door and let it swing wide open for me to bare my mom-butt to the public.” 

Not only am I sweating from the heat, I’m also sweating in fear of what is inevitably going to happen:  One kid (can’t remember which, but does it really matter? They were both being hellions) undid the latch as the other leaned back against the door, forcing the outward-swinging partition to open to the bathroom crowd.

#momondisplay

WITHOUT. MISSING. A. BEAT. Some other mom – henceforth known as Super Hero Ninja Mom – turned with one swooping motion from her hand-washing position at the sink and pushed the door shut so I could latch it. #legendary #teamwork

Cherry on top:  On her way out the door, Super Hero Ninja Mom yelled,

“You got this, Mom!”

I think she was wearing a cape. Yeah, I definitely saw a cape. (Might have been hallucinating from the combo of heat & panic though.)

My daughter heard Super Hero Ninja Mom’s supportive solidarity and said, “Who was what?” That, my dear girl, is a legend.

Super Hero Ninja Mom, if you’re out there (and if you were in the bathroom adjacent to the food court in the Congo region this past weekend and caught a glimpse of something you’d rather not have), thanks for being you. Next drink is on me.

ninja mom

The Mothership

My Mom. Family matriarch and Mother of Dragons. She is the yin to my dad’s yang (though that sounds kinda icky), and gave birth to a daughter so amazing, you would have thought she would stop there, but nooooooo. They went on to have that stinky little brother of mine who wanted to take all my toys and doesn’t need sunscreen like his sister, Powder. (Kidding, Bro. Love ya.)

As promised, I am embracing my basic and looking around at all the amazing people who helped shaped me over these 30+ trips around the sun. First up, my amazing mother. Like me, she too had what would be considered a pretty traditional life, although, being born in the 50’s, having a working mom wasn’t quite the norm it is today. She was born in Pennsylvania to my grandparents, Lou & Grace. She was the middle child between two boys and is a self-described “Daddy’s Girl.” Everything they needed and much of what they wanted in life was provided to them by their two hard-working parents.

“We didn’t have a lot of money growing up but we always had what we needed and never went hungry.”

From a young age, my mom knew she wanted to be a teacher. She can recall a time when her great Aunt Beanie would let her pretend to be her teacher. (Fun fact:  My Great-Great Aunt Beanie lived to be 106 years old! At her funeral, the priest got choked up on something, and my pristine-mannered mother AND grandmother proceeded to laugh so hard about it that the entire pew shook during the service.) At one point, she had a college professor deign to tell her she wouldn’t make it through college, but that just lit her fire more to prove him wrong. [The women in our family are known for their stubbornness. My daughter can make you shudder in your shoes. The force is strong.] I can speak from years of being exposed to students of my mother that she was an amazing educator. She is one of the ones that you want your child to have every year of their schooling. She was dedicated to the profession, passionate about her kids, and truly put 100% into every day. I am always amazed at how teachers function and the heavy responsibility that falls on them each day. It has to be exhausting. And yet she still came home every day to me, my brother, and my dad and put 100% into us as well. My dad, also a fantastic educator, did the same. My brother and I were fortunate growing up that we had both parents home during the summer and during holidays since they were both teachers. If school was closed, we were all together. Almost always a blessing, except during the blizzard of 1993, when school was closed for a month and we were all snowed in together. Yikes. We could have been our own reality show that month.

As I’m raising my kids, I often beat myself up over the “am I doing enough” thing. Are they learning enough? Are they learning about different cultures and to be interested in other people who are different than them? Are they respectful and kind about differences and eager to gain knowledge about the world around them? Are they maintaining curiosity about this amazing and beautiful planet we inhabit? Momming is exhausting. I recently watched a video wherein these parents of 7 kids ended a video full of a chaotic recap of their daily routine with these words,

“Did they feel loved today? Because that’s all kids care about.”

As I recall my mom’s interview, I asked her about fond memories from her childhood, and what is awesome to hear from her is that she really does remember the little things as being special. She recalls family reunions where kids had to dig change out of a pile of sawdust. They did egg and balloon tosses and had races. She also had (and still has, I believe) a fascination with dry ice, which they would use at these reunions to keep the Popsicles cold. Brilliant! (Probably my Pap-Pap’s idea because he was a genius.)

My mom had two brothers; one older and one younger. They are no longer with us in this life, and that is sad because they were pretty amazing and talented men and I hate that my kids never knew them. My Uncle Bob, her older brother, was blinded at birth as a preemie (before it was known by medicine that too much oxygen could be damaging to preemies), and was a musical savant. He could play things by ear and just had a knack for anything musical. Mom recalled that at one particular family reunion, a young Bob was swinging pretty high on an old metal swing set and thought he could spit out his chewing gum on one swing forward, and then on the next swing forward tried to jump off the swing and catch it in his mouth. As you can imagine, the laws of physics prevented that, and he got the wind knocked out of him. Her younger brother, David, was the joker of the family. I obviously only knew him in his adult years, but I imagine he was an ornery kid. He also had musical talents and smarts. I remember as a kid that he took a trip to Florida with us once and he made it fun for us with his jokes and teasing; he had a fun soul.

Looking back, mom recalls some pretty cool and special events. She got to go to the Pittsburgh airport to watch The Beatles land! As a little girl, her aunt would take just her into the city to window shop and have a meal out “like ladies.” She remembers yummy pancakes her grandma made, cozy sleepovers in beds with way too many blankets, and family camping trips around the fire. One day, she found a doll hidden away and cried and cried because she thought that maybe her daddy had another little girl that he loved who lived somewhere else. “Oh, how I cried!” she said. Turns out, her father had bought that doll and put it away for the next time she was sick to cheer her up. Certain diseases were more common back then than today thanks to vaccinations. (Takeaway: VACCINATE your kids, people. That’s me talking now. It’s one of my soapboxes. I’ll step down now.)

Mom is most proud of her 40-year marriage to my dad, and my brother and I and the successes we have had in life. As her daughter, I hope she realizes that our successes are a direct result of her and dad’s stellar parenting. She is the proud grandma of four grandkids (2 boys; 2 girls), and they are the apple of her eye. She says that she hopes they know how much she loves them, and that they have fun making  memories with and learning from her. (I can assure you, they absolutely are. Mom gives 100% to her grandkids, too. Those kids are straight-up #blessed.) She has a volunteer’s heart; always willing to help and give the shirt off her back.  Family is her priority and making sure everyone feels and knows they are loved (sound familiar?).

Regrets in her life? Not really many. She wishes she had cared less about her weight through the years and says if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn’t have obsessed about it so much. That’s a good takeaway for women my age, I think. In a time where images and perfection are everywhere, don’t sweat it so much.  Her final advice in this interview is poignant, and it’s something I strive to be more conscious about:

“I would like to tell all mothers (fathers, too) to pay attention to your children. Put your electronics down, look your children in their eyes and talk to them. Use complete sentences, carry on a conversation, ask them about their day, read to them, be interested in who their friends are, know where they are going and with whom. They are only young once and you don’t get a do-over!”

Mom, you are at the center of everything that is wonderful about our family.

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Embracing the “Basic”

Basic, adj.: Used to describe someone devoid of defining characteristics that might make a person interesting, extraordinary, or just simply worth devoting time or attention to.

Writing is harder than I thought.  I was chatting with a friend the other day and we were discussing writing. I told him that I think he should write a book because I think he is one of the most interesting people I know and has a great story to tell. He told me I needed to write one, too, but my response was “about what?” My writing is basic. This blog experience has been humbling because I felt like I had so much to say, but then the well went dry nearly immediately. I often feel like I have no original view or angle, and that aside from some humor and wit and quick comebacks, I don’t really have anything interesting or new to talk about that’s not already out there in the Webiverse. After all, the self-depreciating, tired, working mom angle is a little played out, amiright? My friend admonished me, as any good friend would, and told me that all those things about the basic-ness of my life were what made me, in his words, relatable. I guess the takeaway is to embrace the basic and run with it.

Relatable, sure, but people want to be entertained and inspired. You know that saying “Normal is boring?” Well, if that is the case, I am SOOOO boring. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love the general predictability of it all. I like the traditions and the family and the hectic routine that kids and a growing family can bring. I look at people who opted not to have this same kind of life with curiosity and awe as they travel the world and do crazy and amazing things (and I sometimes admittedly look at them with jealousy during a Threenager Rage-a-thon). I wouldn’t have my life any other way, but these differences among us are what make the world go around and keep it interesting. I cannot imagine if everyone was like me. The world would be quite dull (but sarcastic and endearing with great legs). I LOVE learning about different people and hearing their stories. I love to travel and experience different cultures. I am so excited for the day that I can take my kids on faraway adventures and teach them things to shape their lives.

That’s what has inspired me to continue this blog down a different path for a little while, because I think to look forward, I want to also look backward and around.

The way I was raised makes me relatable I think. Heck, the way we are all raised is what shapes us into who we are and what we do in life. I was raised traditionally, which probably made me lean toward that style of life. But I was also raised surrounded by strong women. Women who worked and raised and cared for children all their lives. Women who helped pave the way for me to be so “traditional and relatable” in today’s society. I am a full-time working mother of two young kids. Anytime anyone says those same words to me, or some permutation of them, I want to throw up the Hunger Games sign and scream May the odds be ever in your favor!” I’m a believer that there needs to be a kind of gang hand-sign that we can make at each other in Target when our kids are acting a-fool as a symbol of solidarity as though to say, “I understand. I was in your position yesterday. Go home and drink a bottle of wine. You deserve it. They won’t always be like this.” #solidarity

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All of this – the way I was raised, why I am so relatable, where my humor comes from – made me look back at the people I have been surrounded and influenced by these past 37 years. I was born in the 80’s and had my formidable years in the 90’s; went to college before iPhones and social media existed (can I get a Hallelujah on that one?!?) and am now raising kids in this fast-paced world in years that start with “20–” where everything and everyone is constantly in your face. It’s exhausting, but I love it because I feel as though throughout my life I have been influenced by strong people and intelligent people who have helped prepare me for anything that life can throw at me.

To wrap up all this rambling (bless you if you are still here at this point), I am going to start featuring some of these people in my life and tell their story. I have interviewed some of them already, and I have been around them most (if not all) of my life. I’m hoping it will kind of be a gentle mix of “Humans of New York” meets “Scary Mommy,” so let’s all bow our heads and pray that I can accomplish that. Amen.

Stay tuned! Interesting people and stories coming your way soon!

Raising Ferdinand

Remember Ferdinand? No, not the new version that just came out. Kids might not realize, but we adults know, that story has a wayyyyyyy longer history than that. I’m not even talking about the book. If you were raised on The Disney Channel like my brother and I were, you may remember a little short film called “Ferdinand the Bull,” which actually was released in 1938!? Anyways, it took a few decades and a viewing of the “new” Ferdinand to 1) Make me question eating a burger again (this resolution lasted all of 12 hours) and 2) I might be raising a Ferdinand. ❤️🐂

We often joke about the very chill and laid back nature of our 3-year-old son. In fact, based on vacation experiences with the little man, he has earned himself the moniker of “Island L.” The kid fell asleep in a wagon, for crying out loud. Vacations and disruptions in routine can totally slaughter (no pun intended) a kid’s day. It’s one of the reasons that parents with little kids will laugh after vacation when someone asks if they feel rested and rejuvenated. That’s a big HELL-TO-THE-NO, people. Vacationing with kids is fun and adventuresome, and it is the opposite of resting or rejuvenating (or any of those fun words associated with relaxation).

But not Island L. He can meld right into any situation. His older sister has the characteristics and tenacity to become a great leader (or evil genius; jury’s still out) some day, but don’t dare mess with her shut-eye. L is….. content. I admire him for it, and I envy it immensely. After all, I have a blog with the word “worrier” in the title. Definitely no sense of “chill” in this soul too often. Motherhood definitely didn’t help me unclench, so there’s that. He definitely gets this from his dad. Just like his sister, L could do anything he wants, including be a great leader, but if he is he will probably teach surfing on the side just to maintain some balance and Zen. 🏄

We have the kids in soccer right now (an American requirement for anyone whose mom drives a fly minivan), and while I really thought he would love it and be all about it, turns out he is not at this point in time. I thought perhaps he just didn’t enjoy the first practice, because to be honest I didn’t either. (It was cold and our feet got wet. Yuck!) But then the first game came and he was just not having it. My son is clutch at exercising his right to peaceably protest. His favorite method? The Sit-in. At one point, he professed his love for the clouds (“I wuv clouds”) and literally stopped to look at some flowers.

My sweet Island L is like Ferdinand. He doesn’t have time for conflict or stress (or the bureaucracy of organized sports, apparently) . He just wants to sit and smell the flowers. He wants to watch the clouds go by. He wants to smile and laugh and sleep in a wagon if the mood hits him. He is …. content. Oh, that sweet, sweet boy. Make no mistake, the child is every bit the definition of a Threenager right now, but in comparing this stage of life between the two kids, he is different. He’s enjoying the Island Life everywhere he goes. What a lucky guy!

It can be difficult as a parent to allow your little ones the proverbial time to “stop and smell the flowers.” Lord knows I’ve let out my share of exasperated sighs and hurried him along. But now I realize that this characteristic is something I want him to hold onto. Sure, there are times when we have to hustle for some reason for another, but I am making the conscious effort to be mindful of this beautiful trait he possesses as this fast-paced world will surely try to beat it out of him as he grows. So for now, just like Ferdinand’s mother, I’m going to embrace it. Maybe I’ll even manifest my own inner Island Holly and go with the Island L flow.

A Resolution Worth Keeping

It may seem a bit odd to post about New Year’s resolutions (NYR from henceforth) in early April, but if you think about it, it’s actually a good check point to see how you are doing. For me, NYR have always been a bust. (It’s only taken me about 20 years to realize that this isn’t an effective avenue to “lose weight.”)  So this year it seemed to me that the more comfortable choice was to approach my self-betterment from a different direction: Reading!

My NYR this year was to read one book a month, and while that may not sound too daunting to some, I felt like it represented a nice balance between self-improvement and enrichment. I love to read; making time to do so is always the problem, and since we live in an era of “self-care,” I set my mind on success for this resolution. Being a working and fully-scheduled mom of two young and energetic kiddos, fitting in time to read is hard! But I’m passionate about this goal and I want to achieve it.

As luck would have it, I was discussing my NYR with another ballet parent and she graciously invited me to join her book club. PERFECT! Not only do I get to digest a great read, but I get to discuss it with a group of intelligent and interesting women, and there is wine involved. Win-win!

So far, I’m ahead of my pace of one/month. I want to try to keep this post alive throughout the year as a collection and a quasi-review of the books I have read. Here’s a start:

  • House at the Edge of Night by Catherine Banner: Strong writing and a good book – the author really paints a beautiful and sometimes magical picture of this island that kept me entranced and interested. One drawback: It is VERY long. This is a beautifully written tale about a boy/man who ends up living his life on a little island off the coast of Italy, beginning in the early 1900’s. The interesting part of this talehouse edge was the perspective from a remote island as the world developed and experienced wars and revolutions. Living in WV, I can certainly relate to technology and “stuff” in general getting here later than everywhere else; we always seem to be a step or two behind. So I could certainly empathize with this little remote island that was always a little behind the times.

 

 

  • The Aviator’s Wife by Melanie Benjamin: This was my first Book Club read, and right off the bat it showed me how fun and enriching a book club can be as I never would have chosen this book for me, but I’m so glad that the book club did. Much like House at the Edge of Night, there is a historical aspect to it as it is about the Lindbergh family and their journey through life told from the perspective of Anne
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    Morrow Lindbergh, Charles’ wife. It really brought forth some raw emotions during the chapters about the infamous Lindberg Baby told from a mother’s perspective. Once I got into this book, I couldn’t put it down. They were an interesting and dysfunctional family to read about. This book is classified as “historical fiction” and the author did a good job of outlining the parts that were factual and those that were simply for storyline.

 

  • Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng: Book Club read #2. Holy cow. Couldn’t put it down! Quick and firesdevourable (is that a word?) read about some kids coming of age in the 90’s, which made it even more fun as these “kids” are technically my age based on their ages in the 90’s setting. There are a few intertwined storylines that really had me wondering how this was all going to play out. It touched on a few hot topics, such as adoption and abortion and parenting rights, and you could feel the very-relatable teen angst, as well as the struggle their parents faced. This would be a great spring/summer break or beach read! It’s fast and easy to read, and I really could not put it down. The characters were amazingly written, and the author’s attention to detail was amazing. And, oh, the drama of being a teen in the 90’s (without social media)!

 

 

  • The Hypnotist’s Love Story by Liane Moriarty: I love books where I learn something interesting about a topic that I had never really contemplated before, such as hypnotism. This was another one I had trouble pulling myself away from as it had a hyplovelittle streak of “creepy” to it (in the form of a crazy-ex-girlfriend/stalker! Yikes!) It takes place Down Under, which added a bit of interest to the story line as I have always wanted to go to Australia, save the ridiculously long flight(s). Definitely put this one on your summer reading list!

 

 

  • Sometimes I Lie by Alice Fenney: I’m on a streak right now because my last two reads were SO good, and then this one comes along and WOW! I love a good liepsychological thriller, especially ones that involve a little bit of the medical field. Without spoiling too much, this main character is telling the story from a comatose state. There were twists and turns I did not see coming at all. This was my Book Club read for the month of April, and I cannot wait to discuss. I finished it in the first week. It’s one of those books with shorter chapters, and as a busy working mom, to me that is appealing so that I don’t have to stop in the middle of a chapter and can catch a quick snippet of the book easier. (I hate to stop in the middle of a chapter; I usually end up starting it over because I lose the whole train of thought.)

 

  • The Other End of the Stethoscope by Marcus Engel: This book was sent to me by stethMarcus himself as he is a motivational speaker I was researching for work. My job requires knowing and teaching a lot about empathy in healthcare, and Mr. Engel put together what is almost a manifesto of his healthcare experience after a devastating trauma. So, yes, it is technically a book for work, but he does such a great job illustrating what it felt like to go from a healthy teen to a completely helpless, blinded, and (literally) broken patient lying in a hospital bed, completely dependent upon his team of healthcare workers and unable to see a thing. If you’re in healthcare and want to know more about empathy and a patient’s perspective, go to his website and check him out! https://marcusengel.com/

 

  • What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty:  What a sweet little read this was! I really enjoyed this perspective from a woman who forgot the past 10 years of her life. I couldn’t help but put myself in that position and wonder what it woulwagd be like to forget my last 10 years. It’s a scary but introspective dialogue to have in your head! On one hand, forgetting my kids and marriage ever happened?!? No way! But then again, what if you forgot every “bad” thing… What if you forgot your arguments with your spouse? Would you fall in love all over again? It was a fun and quick read that made me think, but not too hard 🙂

 

  • The Five Temptations of a CEO by Patrick Lencioni:  This book was written in the fivestyle of a fable a la’ “Ghosts of Christmas’ Past” where a young leader is met throughout his commute home by a few characters that walk him through some common mistakes that leaders make. It is a short book and easy to read and digest. If you are looking for a quick book on basic leadership, check this one out!

 

 

 

  • The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Shumer: This was a Book Club tatooselection for the month of April and it was very entertaining and a nice shifting of gears to something a bit lighter. It is an autobiography of the hilariously inappropriate comedienne, and after reading this book I have a newfound appreciation for her as an artist. I think it is easy to snap judge her just because she puts herself out there and can seem to be an easy target, but at the same time, there’s a level of vulnerability and hard work to get to where she is that this book helped me appreciate more. Warning: This is a raunchy read, but oh it is funny! There are also some serious parts to it, too, that bring to mine this meme. After all, what kind of interesting personality comes from a boring and uneventful upbringing? Zero.

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  • Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander. I cannot emphasize enough that this swpl.PNGbook is purely satire. And it’s funny as hell. Yes, it pokes some fun at white culture, but in a tongue and cheek way. I skip through the chapters from time to time for a good laugh. I think my favorite ones thus far are the chapters on Brunch and Recycling, as those are the ones I can most easily relate to. LOL!

 

 

  • The Perfect Mother by Aimee Molloy:  It took me all of four days to devour this book. I couldn’t wait to see what happened next! And I would have never guessed how it turned up. Very clever writer, this Miss Molloy! This one is another great tpmbeach/vacation read, and as a mother of young kids, it is easy to relate to as it touches on the need for mothers to have balance in their lives and how hard it is when you have a newborn and the whole fiasco that is parental leave in the US…. Don’t get me started on that topic. But, I digress. Grab this one for your next getaway! Or better yet, have your girls read it so you can discuss as a group as it will strike a nerve with anyone who hasn’t completely blocked out the newborn days.

 

  • I’ll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara:  I’m a Podcast fiend, and a friend recommended one to me about the Golden State Killer entitled “The Killer Unmasked.” My husband and I listened to it on a recent road trip about a serial rapist and killer in California in the 70’s that was still at large present day! This ill-be-gone-in-the-darkpodcast was so interesting and kept mentioning a book and Michelle McNamara, so I downloaded the sample and was immediately hooked. Michelle, married to actor/comedian Patton Oswalt, met an untimely and unexpected death a couple years ago while she was writing the book, so there are other contributors who carried on and finished this legacy she started to hunt this man who ravaged and ruined so many lives. Yes, it is about a awful and disgusting crime spree, but it isn’t too graphic or too high on my “Nightmare Scale” (totally just made that up just now. TM). The book is more about the chase, and as folks living in current day with DNA and forensics, we have to look at this through the lens of the late 1970’s when all of this technology and these advancements weren’t available.  Michelle is an amazing author. She writes in a way that makes you want to know more, and I think that is because she was on the hunt of her life that turned into an obsession.

 

  • When Life Gives You Lululemons by Lauren Weisberger: This is the same amazing luluauthor who gave us The Devil Wears Prada, so I kind of knew what to expect from a plot standpoint, and she delivered. This book gives us more from Emily, the catty assistant in TDWP infamous for “helping” Andy Sachs as Miranda’s assistant. We also get a glimpse of Miranda Priestly in this book, too! It’s a great story and a fun and quick read. Some scandalous and salacious activities wrapped up in the charming and affluent atmosphere of the NYC suburb, Greenwich, CT.

 

  • Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman:  Another book club selection that further cements why book clubs are so amazing. I would probably never have picked this book on my own, but I was in love with it from the very beginning. Eleanor is dear, sweet, clueless gal who to me represents that awkward “coming of age” phase we all go through in life, it’s just that she goes through it a EOiscflittle later than most due to her interesting and mysterious life circumstances. It’s endearing and humorous, while being interesting and heartfelt at the same time. I felt emotions for Eleanor as I read it…. awkward embarrassment, anxiousness, excitement, warmth and more, complete with a little twist that I did NOT see coming! I don’t know what other words to describe it other than this was a “calming” book to read. (There are some books I cannot read at certain times because they just get me riled up or scared before bed). This was the perfect book to read on a very relaxing vacation. Thank you to the Book Club for this choice!

WANT TO READ MORE??? Check out the latest section of my blog, Readworthy, for more of what I’m into these days when it comes to this resolution to read more.